The Thing
by Allura99
Summary: Cyborg wakes up after a major party to find something very important is missing.


The Thing

[All standard disclaimers apply.]

Author's Note: This is my first attempt at a song fic. I heard the song recently and I immediately thought about Cyborg. The plot bunnies took it from there.

* * *

Cyborg groaned as he slowly became aware of his surroundings. It took him several moments before he realized that he was sprawled on the couch in the common room. The sunlight streaming in from the larger windows made the human half of his head pound.

Scrunching his eyes closed, he slowly sat up. He groaned again as he fought a wave of nausea. He leaned back against the couch, willing the feeling of sickness to pass.

Images of the big party with the all Titans began to filter through his head. He remembered dancing with Bee before Kid Flash had challenged him and Speedy to a drinking contest. Things got fuzzy after that.

He must have drank a lot if he was this hungover. It took a lot to overwhelm his systems.

He wondered who won. He vaguely remembered Speedy passing out somewhere around 1 am but he couldn't remember if he or KF was the last one standing.

With a sigh, he forced himself to open his eyes and run a diagnostic. Cyborg was debating if he could tolerate a cup of coffee when a series of beeps indicated that the diagnostic was done. He was glad to see there was still plenty of time left on his batteries. The electrolyte abnormalities and dehydration was from the drinking and causing the hangover. He could fix that with an infusion in his room.

But the last finding made him stop.

"Oh, shit."

_I woke up this morning with a bad hangover_

_And my penis was missing again._

_This happens all the time._

_It's detachable._

_This comes in handy a lot of the time._

_I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,_

_Or I can rent it out, when I don't need it._

_But now and then I go to a party get drunk,_

_And the next morning I can't for the life of me_

_Remember what I did with it._

The headache and nausea was quickly forgotten as his systems confirmed that his penis, his detachable penis, was gone.

He searched the common room since that's where he woke up. It wasn't on the coffee table, stuffed in the couch, or under any of the pieces of furniture. His search of the kitchen was equally fruitless. With a rising sense of panic, he went to his room.

He hooked himself up to an electrolyte infusion to help with his hangover before he began to searching. He found a pawn to an old chess set under his bed, the wrapper to an energy bar behind his computer and $1.37 in change.

He did not find his penis.

With a sigh, he sat on his bed and weighed his options: he could keep looking here in the Tower though he doubt he would find it since he hadn't found it already; he could give it up as lost and try to make a new one, going without a penis for the weeks it would take to make a new one; or he could see if anyone at the party had seen it.

He disconnected himself from the infusion. He washed his face and brushed his teeth. With another sigh, he pulled out his phone and dialed a number.

"Hey, Sparky," Bumblebee greeted after a couple of rings. "I wouldn't expect you to be up for a few hours after that little contest between you and Kid Flash. Congrats on being the last man standing by the way."

Cyborg smiled at the news. "How's Speedy?"

"Looking worse than you, that's for sure. Speedy's cleaning the kitchen while I've got the twins on garbage pick-up."

"Have they found anything?"

Bumblebee tilted her head as she looked at him curiously. "Should they find something beside empty beer bottles and pizza crust? Did you lose something?"

"Me? No," he said quickly. "I just figured after a party like that, folks would be careless and we would need a lost-and-found."

"Uh-huh."

"I'm serious. That was some get-together last night."

She seemed a little mollified. "If we find anything, I'll let you know."

"Thanks, Bee."

"Anytime, Sparky."

He tried Kid Flash but got Jinx instead. He could tell that the sorceress wasn't happy with the antics from the night before. She tersely told Cyborg that they didn't have any souvenirs from the party other than their respective hangovers and hung up.

He made a few other calls but no one admitted to finding anything strange at the party. "Well, other than Beast Boy's dance moves," Kole said. With a grumbled thanks, he hung up and toss his phone on the bed.

_First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it._

_So I called up the place where the party was,_

_They hadn't seen it either._

_I asked them to check the medicine cabinet_

_'Cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes_

_But not this time._

_So I told them if it pops up to let me know._

_I called a few people who were at the party,_

_But they were no help either._

_I was starting to get desperate._

_I really don't like being without my penis for too long._

_It makes me feel like less of a man._

_And I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak._

_After a few hours of searching the house,_

_And calling everyone I could think of,_

_I was starting to get very depressed._

_So I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast._

Cyborg changed into civilian clothes. With options 1 and 3 gone, he was left with option 2: consider his penis gone forever and start working on another one. The process was going to take weeks and a lot of work. He didn't look forward to trying to hide the project from the rest of the team.

He was lucky not to encounter any of the other Titans as he made his way down to the garage. He was happy to see his baby, the T-Car, gleaming under the lights of the garage. "Hello, beautiful."

Traffic was relatively light as he drove to his favorite 24-hour diner. The Kiev Diner had been open for more than 30 years and served breakfast all day. He was looking forward to a giant omelet and some coffee.

He was led to a secluded booth in a back. He settled into the well-worn seat and pulled his hood up more over his face. His favorite waitress, Carol, set a coffee mug, cream, sugar and a small pot of coffee on the table. "Just you today?"

"Just me," Cyborg confirmed.

"The usual?"

"You know it."

She made a few scribbles on her notepad. "Okay. Should be out in a few."

As promised, Carol returned a few minutes later with his cheesy omelet and a side of toast. She replaced his now empty coffee pot with a fresh one. "Need anything else?"

"Nope, I'm good."

He enjoyed his unhealthy breakfast, using the toast to soak up the grease on his plate. He turned down Carol's offer of another pot of coffee. He had had enough caffeine to finish clearing up his head. She left the ticket facedown on the table before moving on to another customer. He glanced at the total and left enough cash to leave a generous tip.

He left the diner but lingered on the sidewalk. He didn't want to head back to the Tower just yet but he didn't have another destination in mind. Glancing around, he saw what looked like a sidewalk sale down the street. Intrigued, he strolled towards it.

There was a table with used books. A booth selling homemade bread, jams and jelly. A rack with second-hand clothes. Cyborg browsed but nothing caught his attention.

Not until he was nearly at the end of the sale. There was a blanket spread out on the sidewalk covered in used and sometimes broken electronics. Next to a broken toaster oven was his penis.

_Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,_

_Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,_

_I saw my penis lying on a blanket_

_Next to a broken toaster oven._

_Some guy was selling it._

"Ah, my friend, you have a good eye," the proprietor greeted. "With a little rewiring, you can have that toaster oven as good as new."

"Wasn't looking at the toaster oven," Cyborg said.

"Oh? What else interests you?" He followed Cyborg's eye to the penis. "Ah, my latest acquisition."

"Yeah? Where did you get?"

The guy waved his finger back and forth. "No, no, my friend. Can't tell you that. But, for twenty-two dollars, it's yours."

"Twenty," Cyborg countered. He couldn't believe that he was haggling with a street vendor over his own penis.

"Twenty-one."

"Eighteen."

"Nineteen."

"Seventeen. Final offer."

The guy paused, considering. "Fine."

Cyborg grabbed his penis and shoved in his pocket. He paid the guy. He turned to leave but stopped. "How much for the toaster oven?"

Another ten dollars later, Cyborg was the proud owner of a broken toaster oven. He took his purchase and headed back to his car. He thought he could rewire it and use it to replace the one Starfire blew up with one of her cooking experiments last week. It would be cheaper than buying a new one.

The Tower was still fairly quiet as he made his way back to his room. He encountered Robin in the hall. Robin glanced at his clothes and the toaster oven. "You been out?"

"Needed some fresh air."

"Okay. Bee called. Said they found Kole's hair clip but nothing else from the party. Did you lose something?"

"Nah. Just thought they should keep an eye out for things. Never know what people are going to lose at a party like that."

"Hate that I missed it," Robin said, "but someone needed to stay and man the Tower."

"Didn't hurt that Starfire stayed behind to help, too."

Robin flushed. "We're just friends!"

"Whatever you say, Rob."

Still chuckling, Cyborg entered his room and locked his door. He put the toaster oven on his work bench. He pulled his penis out of his pocket and set it beside the toaster. He began a virus scan on his penis. Without knowing where it had been, he wasn't taking chances.

He was glad to see that his penis was virus free. He washed it before putting it on. It felt good to have it back.

"I'm going to take better care of you, buddy. I promise."

_I had to buy it off him._

_He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen._

_I took it home, washed it off,_

_And put it back on._

_I was happy again. Complete._

_People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,_

_But I don't know._

_Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,_

_I like having a detachable penis._

* * *

The song "Detachable Penis" is by King Missile.


End file.
